So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize