i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize