I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
