Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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