eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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