On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
