Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
