bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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