A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i need an iv and a liver transplant
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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