Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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