im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Your penis caused this!
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