You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize