I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
