I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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