Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
