Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
