I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
