Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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