You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
