remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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