I think my vagina is haunted
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
