two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
