So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize