I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
