the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
