I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
