I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
