One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
