swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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