dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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