i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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