Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
