I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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