It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
