I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
