dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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