did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
