And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
