Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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