Don't make out with my wife yet
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
