I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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