worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
