my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
My dick has a subreddit
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
