yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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