Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
People in love make me want to vomit
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
