the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I had to cum in my sink.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
