i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Randomize