you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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