I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
