So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
