she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
We just shotgunned beers for America
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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