I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
What happened to fro yo and sex?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
