I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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