Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
