I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
