guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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