I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
