I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Ketchup is God's man juice
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize